I've been trying to keep a lot of things from a lot of people.
[That's about the simplest way to put it.
There are worse things to remember, after all. She knows enough about the sengoku era to know that what Anya just saw is pretty tame compared to some of the things Nobunaga Oda had a hand in.
Even admitting that it's who she was is difficult, partially because of that...partially because it's unbelievable. But seeing the woman on that screen makes it both easier and harder to process all at once.
But watching Anya...specifically, watching those hands fall from her face - those tightened, trembling hands - Aki reaches out with a hand of her own to close it around Anya's fist.]
My former self didn't really shine. [Just like Anya, how they'd discussed before.] She was more like a raging fire...one that burned itself out. But not before her homeland had already suffered for it.
[Automatically, she turns her hand to hold Aki's in her own. She's not scared. She's not supposed to be scared.
Maybe of what she saw on the screen - maybe that's okay (it's not okay, it's silly, get it together, Anya) - but she's not scared of Aki. She can say that more certainly, even as she holds onto Aki's hand like a lost child afraid of separation.]
... I want to understand...
[ - but she wonders if she even can. For all her effort, can her mind really wrap around what Aki's dealing with? She frowns at the floor for a moment before looking back at her.
Aki must have an even harder time processing it.]
Другой... You want to be - different from the other you, yes?
[Aki is still very important. She takes a second to try to find the words, clearly struggling and upset that she doesn't have them readily at her command. But she shakes her head emphatically and holds onto Aki's hand with both of her own now, clutching onto her as if afraid she she'll disappear.]
... If you want to be someone else... Nobunaga... I - I will try to understand.
But Aki is not bad. Who you are now is also good. It is not bad to be you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![](https://i.imgur.com/Zu12ttD.jpg")
anya
Date: 2018-01-26 03:41 am (UTC)I've been trying to keep a lot of things from a lot of people.
[That's about the simplest way to put it.
There are worse things to remember, after all. She knows enough about the sengoku era to know that what Anya just saw is pretty tame compared to some of the things Nobunaga Oda had a hand in.
Even admitting that it's who she was is difficult, partially because of that...partially because it's unbelievable. But seeing the woman on that screen makes it both easier and harder to process all at once.
But watching Anya...specifically, watching those hands fall from her face - those tightened, trembling hands - Aki reaches out with a hand of her own to close it around Anya's fist.]
My former self didn't really shine. [Just like Anya, how they'd discussed before.] She was more like a raging fire...one that burned itself out. But not before her homeland had already suffered for it.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-30 06:15 am (UTC)Maybe of what she saw on the screen - maybe that's okay (it's not okay, it's silly, get it together, Anya) - but she's not scared of Aki. She can say that more certainly, even as she holds onto Aki's hand like a lost child afraid of separation.]
... I want to understand...
[ - but she wonders if she even can. For all her effort, can her mind really wrap around what Aki's dealing with? She frowns at the floor for a moment before looking back at her.
Aki must have an even harder time processing it.]
Другой... You want to be - different from the other you, yes?
no subject
Date: 2018-01-30 06:32 pm (UTC)[She pauses before she answers, which likely says it all.]
Nobunaga...is a lot more useful in these circumstances. This whole retrospec thing.
She's stronger than I am. She knows how to fight. She's a lot braver than I am, too.
These days, I wonder how much of the old me is really worth keeping.
[It wasn't even that long ago she told Anya the opposite. That she wanted nothing to do with her old self.
What a difference a few months make.]
no subject
Date: 2018-02-13 02:29 am (UTC)Все! All of it - Aki is...!
[Aki is still very important. She takes a second to try to find the words, clearly struggling and upset that she doesn't have them readily at her command. But she shakes her head emphatically and holds onto Aki's hand with both of her own now, clutching onto her as if afraid she she'll disappear.]
... If you want to be someone else... Nobunaga... I - I will try to understand.
But Aki is not bad. Who you are now is also good. It is not bad to be you.